So many changes, so little time to blog about them

My life feels like a whirlwind of change: change at work, change at home, my kids changing, my relationships changing. Within all this change is the emotional turmoil. It's so easy to give in and dive once again into a deep depression. So many times over the last couple of months, I have found my mind thinking about all the things I haven't done... or all the things I can't do... Once my mind is there, it tends to want to stay there. I have had to really rely on my personal behavior modification training. You see, I've noticed that each time I think of something bad, it leads to thinking of another bad thought. So in the past, I would counter that bad thought with something I could change, something I could do. I would try to think of the bright side of a situation. I always thought that I was naturally pessimistic and I was teaching myself optimism. But I think I have it wrong. I think that we are born optimistic and pessimism is taught. When you look at a baby's behavior, they aren't depressed. From what I observe, most babies are in awe of the world around them. It is only when they are in an environment where pessimism resides when they pick up that trait. When a baby eats, it is usually only enough to satisfy the physical hunger. They usually don't eat out of boredom. Granted some babies eat more than others, but they listen to their bodies. The point I am trying to make, is that if we can program ourselves to think negatively, we can also program ourselves to think positively as well. It is our choice. I have made the choice recently to bring these negative thoughts in my head. By succumbing to this choice, I brought negativity in my life and this spilled to those around me as well. I want to make the choice to bring positive thoughts in my mind. I can't guarantee that I will keep this positive thoughts, but each negative thought should be balanced with a positive thought. Maybe then I can get my life to a stable place in my head. I also can't guarantee that I will keep blogging. But hopefully I can make the time to keep writing so that I can remind myself to stay on track.

Mona

Finding Satisfaction

Lately, I have felt stuck. I know that all of us have felt this from time to time. It's starting to get better, but I have felt that I haven't been moving at all. I shouldn't be feeling this emotion because I have actually started making quite a few changes in my life. So, let's examine why we sometimes feel stuck and what we can do to change this.

Why do people feel stuck? Another way to say that you feel stuck is that you have been in a "funk". No matter how you say it, it all comes down to the same feeling. Sometimes people feel stuck when they are unable to see the changes that are happening in their lives. Change affects each person everyday. The experience can come in the form of a small gesture or a large plan. In any case, change DOES happen each day. Some changes are ambiguous; they are open to several different paths. When you are in control of the change, you feel like things are going according to plan. When you cannot control the changes that happen, that can cause a person to feel stuck.

Sometimes the feeling is brought upon by lack of satisfaction in one's life. Being a lover of words, I decided to find the meaning of the word "satisfy". The definition of satisfy is to fulfill the desires, expectations, needs, or demands of (a person, the mind, etc.); give full contentment to. In summary, satisfy means to fulfill expectations.

I have quite a few expectations, but am I focusing on attainable expectations? What are my expectations throughout the day? Sometimes I wake up and EXPECT the day to be melancholy. While I am working, I expect to just finish the day and go on with what I need to do after work. Maybe I am creating the wrong expectations. I have a choice to create whatever expectation I want. Maybe I can change my day by focusing on the task at hand, instead of worrying about my expectations. Maybe I can start to feel satisfied with my life if I find satisfying tasks.

Things can get better, and I expect them to. But I know that it will not be an easy road to find satisfaction. There will always be something that I think can be done better. But I need to step back and realize the satisfaction I have with the situation I am in. There are so many things I am thankful for. I have a home and a wonderful, supportive family. I have stability and all my needs are met. My children are growing well and my relationships with them are solid. I think that by counting my blessings I can find the satisfaction I already have and maybe even a little more.

Mona


“What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me.”
― Helen Keller

Narrow your focus

Starting any type of change can be overwhelming and intimidating. Sometimes this intimidation is enough to make us not attempt to start the change in the first place. Let's talk about this in metaphors. When you are strolling down the path of life, it is good to take all the scenery in. It can be blissful when you can admire all the world has to offer. However, when walking down the path of change, that blissful admiration can turn into stressful planning of how to accomplish your goal. That stressful planning may delay the start of the change.

When my middle son was about 2, we had sat down for a nice Easter dinner. For me, Easter dinner was not complete unless we had a nice ham. My middle son LOVES food. He is not picky and will try almost anything! Before this date, he had not tasted a spiral ham. As we sat around the dinner table, my son's eyes lit up with the buffet of food presented. We served him his plate of food. He went about eating all the food he was familiar with first. Then he grabbed the ham. He shoved that whole slice in his little mouth. He sat there and chewed and chewed. He didn't have a chance to swallow because the bite was so big. His cheeks were distended with mash of ham in his mouth. Every time we had tried to take some of the food out of his mouth, we were met with a look of certain doom as he squirmed his little body away from us. This continued for a good half hour. Eventually, one of us had to steady his head while another person hooked the slobbery pulp of ham out of his mouth. Needless to say, we were not his favorite people for the duration of the evening.

Just like the story, when it comes to making a change, we cannot take the entire slice of change in our mouths at once. We must take bites of the slice until complete. It seems simple because it is simple. It's easy to let all the changes in our life overwhelm us. But instead of looking at the whole, you need to break it out into parts. With each small change, you know that you are closer and closer to achieving your goal.

This is something that I have heard many times over, but it is also the basic step I tend to forget. So, instead of looking at how much it will take to get there, try looking at what you can do for now. What small goal can you accomplish? It's amazing at how fast you actually fulfill your goal when you just focus on one small step at a time.

Mona

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals."
- Henry Ford

Changing damaging self dialogue

Self dialogue is basically what you tell yourself, or the way you think. For some of us, this inner voice is encouraging and optimistic. For others, it is self-deprecating and damaging. Each individual has a choice as to what they want to tell themselves.

Growing up, I thought I did not have a choice on what I told myself. I had developed my own belittling inner voice. I was very critical of every aspect of my self being. Over time, I had programmed myself into believing that I had no self-worth. This was all because of what I was telling myself. Then one day I realized that the only person that can hear what I think is me. I used to be ashamed of thinking I could be positive or successful. But I started realizing that there is no shame in thinking positive thoughts. With much practice, I have been able to change the way I think. This allows me to give myself positive reinforcement. It is an everyday battle. Some days, that inner voice is negative. Other days, I am my own support system. Nevertheless, with the right tools, I can usually give myself the support I need.

Awareness is the first part to changing the way you think. In order to change what you are telling yourself, you must first recognize what you are thinking. Although some of us may think that we are already aware of our thoughts, not every thought is usually on the surface of our mind. In order to fully change our internal dialogue, we must register every thought. A few ways to get these thoughts out would be: writing/typing a journal, a video journal, or a voice recording. No matter what way you record your thoughts, make sure to record ALL of them, bad or good. Also record what event occurred at the time you had the thought. This helps to identify which scenarios bring on certain thoughts.

Once you understand your thought patterns, you begin to recognize which thoughts are negative. Think of yourself in third person. Imagine saying the thoughts to someone with whom you cared deeply. Would you say those statements to this person? Why not? Would they hurt the person? If these thoughts would hurt another person, then you should not be thinking them about yourself. Recognition of these unhealthy thoughts gives clarity to healthy thoughts.

After you are aware of your thoughts and recognize the damaging idea, you then need to change the thought. At first this is not an easy task; especially if you have already had years of self-programming. However, if you can step back and think about it logically, it is really very simple. Each one of us has a choice for everything we do. If you have spent years programming yourself to think that you are worthless, that was your choice. Granted, there may have been an outside influence that started the idea. In any case, it was your choice to continue that idea. 

In regard to changing the thought, try to take small changes. Let's say a woman is clothes shopping. She has recently lost a significant amount of weight. She had accomplished this by making healthy lifestyle changes. She tries on pants and they are too small. A number of women in this situation might feel insecure and start the cycle of destructive thoughts: 

"I really like these jeans and they don't fit"

"I have been working so hard, I should fit into these!"

"I'm so fat."

"I feel so unattractive."

"I'm so depressed"

"There's no point in trying anymore."

In this cycle of thoughts, one distorted perspective caused a tumbling of damaging thoughts. The woman in the example misrepresented the event and allowed herself to think that she was less of a person for it. This is not a healthy way to think. A person's character is not a reflection of their body type. Weight loss should be considered a journey to healthier living. It should not be measured by what size of hips you have, or how attractive you may perceive yourself.

          Now let’s take a look at this same example and try to modify the thought pattern:

"I really like these jeans and they don't fit"

"I have been working so hard, I should fit into these!"

"Well, I guess I HAVE already lost a lot of weight."

"I do FEEL healthier."

"I’m fine just the way I am."

"I’m sure I can find another pair of jeans I really like."

         

          This cycle took a diffusing turn. In this scenario, the woman reminded herself of what she had already accomplished. She then reassured herself that she was healthier. And finally she asserted that she was ok with her self-image and moved on. This is a healthy way to change thought patterns.

Again, it is NOT easy. It takes constant repetition to create a habit. It also takes the willingness to want to change the way you think. If you truly want to have a healthy view of yourself, you need to accept that you are unique from everyone else. You need to understand that everyone is different and being different makes you who you are. You need to understand that it is your choice to be your own best friend or your own worst enemy or somewhere in between.

Just remember the acronym ARC when it comes to your inner voice

Awareness

Recognition

Change

Mona

"The more man meditates upon good thoughts, the better will be his world and the world at large."

- Confucius

Excogitate (Part 2)

This second part will about the changes I will start in my life. As I had mentioned before, I have two areas that I want to start changing: my health and my finances. My finances are keeping me "afloat" so I think that I am going to focus on just one change right now. Currently I have quite a few conditions. However, I believe most of these issues can be traced to two causes: being overweight and out of shape. I have seen my osteopath and really there is no excuse why I can't exercise. So what is stopping me? Well, it may be that I am too scared to change. Or it could be that I am not motivated enough.

Well here's something that SHOULD motivate me. I went to the doctor (osteopath) today to have my back looked at. Before the doctor could see me, the medical assistant was worried that my blood pressure and heartbeat weren't right. She informed the doctor that my blood pressure was 90 over 60... in other words, it was abnormally low. My heartbeat also sounded strange. So my doctor mentioned that after fixing my back that he thought I should have an EKG. So after have my back poked, prodded, and manipulated, I had to get "stickered" all over for the EKG. The test revealed that I have a premature ventricular contraction, or PVC. I remembered that another doctor had told me about this years before, but I had forgotten about it. A PVC is basically when an extra heart contraction causes the electrical system of the heart to reset. The difference in my heart is that the extra heartbeat is more pronounced. Also, from what my doctor told me, PVC's rarely happen with patients as young as I am (34). Another tidbit that I read about PVC's is that they are common with high blood pressure, not low blood pressure like I had today.

So what does this event tell me? Well, it tells me that I am already at high risk for heart disease because not only am I overweight, I have high cholesterol and an irregular heart. I'm not a medical professional, but it seems to me that I am a ticking time bomb. Especially since women have a higher chance of getting heart disease at a younger age. I have also heard that in the United States, 1 in 4 women die of heart disease. That's a large percentage.

There are so many women I am aware of that this has affected. My husband's grandmother and mother both died from heart-related causes. My friend's aunt suddenly passed due to heart related causes. And two of these women were in their 30's. I am also in my 30's. Now I KNOW it is time for change.

So, how am I going to change? Slowly and patiently. Now that I have the motivation to change (high-risk of heart disease), I need to make life changes. I need to re-think food. When I had lost weight in the past, I did not think of food as a way to release my emotions; but as a way to fuel my body. Well, I need to get that back. It'll be hard but I just need to keep reminding myself that food is not a hobby, it is just fuel.

This is what I'm going to do to start my change. Of course, it won't be easy, but it'll be worth it when I can live another day. As far as this blog is concerned, I am going to try to talk about various changes a person can make. I may not always talk about my personal life. I may talk about various changes that can be made by a person or people. Whatever I talk about, my hope is that I can keep myself and others motivated to keep change alive.

Mona


“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”
― Socrates

Excogitate (part 1)

ex·cog·i·tate [eks-koj-i-teyt] verb, ex·cog·i·tat·ed, ex·cog·i·tat·ing.

1. to think out; devise; invent.

2. to study intently and carefully in order to grasp or comprehend fully.

I came across this word and decided to use it in my introductory blog post. Excogitate. What does it mean? Per the definition given above, this word has two meanings. Both meanings can be similar yet I perceive them as a two-step process in regard to starting any type of change.

Let's look at the second meaning: to study intently and carefully in order to grasp or comprehend fully.  This is what I would identify as the first step. In order to start a change, a person needs to understand all aspects of that particular change. To reach that understanding, I would ask questions. Why is this change needed? How is this change going to affect my life? Am I willing to make the sacrifices needed (if any are needed)? What are the benefits of this change? Will this improve the quality of my life? I know I have many changes in my life that I want to undertake. But the two main changes would be my health and my finances. I will ruminate on my goals in part 2 of this post. For now, I want to analyze the meaning of excogitate.

Moving on to the first meaning: to think out; devise; invent. I see this as the second step to any change. This is the planning portion of change. Once we have thought out all the repercussions of starting a change, we need to plan out how we are to change. To start, we need to set a clear goal. If your goal is to lose weight, don't just state "lose weight". Make the goal more precise. Change "lose weight" to "I want to lose 20 pounds in 4 months". This gives you a clear acquisition in sight. After setting a goal, DEVISE how you are going to get there. Don't try for a drastic plan for change, otherwise you are setting yourself up to fail. Try implementing small, gradual changes. For example, with the goal of losing weight, you could start by cutting sugar for a couple of weeks. Then replacing salty, oily foods with your favorite fruits and vegetables. Small changes are key to a long lasting result.

There are a plethora of things to think about when starting a change. Don't take too long thinking about it, or you may never start your change. However, taking a couple of days to plan things out may help you create the routine you need to start the change for the rest of your life.

Mona

“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” 
― Maya Angelou